What's the most valuable lesson you've learned in life, and how has it impacted your journey so far?

After you lather me up with that strawberry hand lotion.

In order to answer this I came up with a little story that goes like this …

Remember, kids, masturbation will make you see the devil everywhere!

What would you do if you found out that someone had broken into your home while you were sleeping?

Yes, Tess, crime doesn't pay but apparently Rated-G horror does.

Perhaps now we can explore what being a “gal pal” really means.

Every day is a good day to punch a Nazi! I mean MAGA! I mean the Comics Code Authority! (I can never remember who is who)

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Torchy thinks: Maybe I could play a gangster's moll since apparently smoking is still seen as wholesome and American.

Tess' boyfriend, Ed, now works as a Peter Lorre impersonator.

“Your boyfriend is a total perv, mommy.”

Is it possible to revive a dead person in real life with black magic?

And then working as Betty and Veronica's body doubles ...

TEXT:

Of all the layoffs, Torchy Todd and her gal pal, Tess Parker, were hit the hardest.

Were the 1980s as uptight and prudish as movies and TV shows make them out to be? When I think of 80s culture, I think about a very "icky" judgmental yuppie status quo time period.

Marijuana makes Jesus cry!

Gadzooks! It's Torchy Todd slumming it in Yugoslavian science fiction! The shame!

Only zombies dig to rock and roll, daddy-O!

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Before there was MAGA there was … the Comics Code Authority

In 1954 complete bastard and censorship campaigner Fredric Wertham published a book for the stated goal of creating a moral panic around comic book's alleged impact on juvenile delinquency. Much like the House Committee on Un-American Activities' disastrous impact on the film industry, the Comics Code Authority (obey, puny humans) put many hardworking comic book characters out of work all because of one poorly written book called …

Dick! I heard about the lay-off. What's a square-jaw crime fighter doing these days to bring in the bling?

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Shameless vixen! Trollop!

Ironically, Wertham focused on stories about crime, singling out Batman and Robin for its gay subtext and Dick Tracy for its violence.

Just you, me, in a vat of lime jello, pulling hair, calling each other names …

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Make Nazis afraid again!

Sex! Lingerie! Knock knock jokes!

Times might be tough … But at least there's one thing we all agree on.

Why do gun lovers think their right to own a weapon supercedes everyone else's right to be safe and not be shot?

Torchy, we're unemployed … And no one is hiring scantily-clad wastrels these days.

¡Explotando Dick por todos lados!

Let's do what we always do, lay around half-naked while men make terrible jokes at our expense.

What started the whole idea of femboys? What is the whole point of a femboy? Did a boy or a man just randomly start dressing or acting feminine or something?

I've also been making ends meet ... By appearing in Tijuana splatter comics as Evil Gringo #2.

At least until the peyote kicks in ...

And I ended up moonlighting in Japanese porn, but the less said about that the better.

What are the beliefs of those who think climate change is a conspiracy theory? What do they predict will happen if we do not address it?

But Tess! I mean Betty! I mean Veronica! (I can never remember who is who) which ever one you are, I love you!

I hear you're a stunt-double now for Fred in Scooby-Doo.

Speaking of which, poor Cleo Coco has ended up appearing in anti-vice pamphlets.

I caught my neighbor leaving his 12-year-old son home alone and he has not come back in 6 hours. Should I call CPS?

Two letters of transit signed by General De Gaulle … Stimpy, you eediot!